Are you gonna hurt me?

October 10, 2012

This was the question from my little niece, Annabeth, to the nurse at the surgical center this morning. No hidden agenda. No counter attack planned. No small talk. Just a simple question to gauge the other person’s agenda.

And you can’t blame her. Heck, as of earlier this week she was very upset that they were taking her tonsils out to begin with. She didn’t want them to cut open her throat. Can’t say that I blame her. So there she was in her hospital gown with her stuffed animals wondering what these strange people were gonna do. Were they as helpful and friendly as momma said they would be? Would they do what they said they would do? Basically, can I trust them, mommy?

When relationships are boiled down to the bare minimum, isn’t this the question we all want answers to? Are you gonna hurt me? I do more marriage counseling than I care to talk about and I promise you this is the question that never gets asked in my office but usually someone is emotionally screaming it. As a matter of fact, I visit many many people in the hospitals that don’t even ask this question but they want to. Too strong, too proud, too “in control” to ask. Not my Annabeth… “Are you gonna hurt me?”

So I guess to have a great relationship, we need to answer this question. No, I’m serious. You and I need to answer this question for the person that wants to ask us. Are you gonna hurt them? You see, in the hospital its black and white. Needles hurt. In relationships we sometimes blur the line. Dishonesty hurts but there isn’t any blood or immediate screams. Selfishness hurts, but we don’t see the effects immediately so we continue to be selfish.

So here I am today in the place of your spouse, parent, child, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, and every person in between, asking you for them, “Are you gonna hurt me?” What if we ask this question in another way to see if you can see the light…

“Are you gonna keep yelling at me?”

“Are you gonna keep lying?”

“Are you gonna keep drinking, knowing what it does to our family?”

“Are you gonna keep thinking only of yourself?”

“Are you gonna get a job?”

“Are you gonna miss time with me, again?”

“Are you gonna put your job in front of me, again?”

“Are you gonna help me at all?”

“Are you gonna judge me or help me?”

“Are you gonna hurt me?”

Just a few examples. But what if I asked myself the question that Tammy really wants to ask? What if I tried to think of her for every decision I make? What would that look like? That’s the way it’s supposed to be according to scripture. Jesus said that from the beginning that God made us one. Not two individuals but one. One. I am not even supposed to breathe without thinking of my wife. Yet I do. And you probably do also. Crazy week. Crazy stress. One crisis after another and then instead of thinking about your wife/husband you answer in anger/frustration/hurt/guilt/exhaustion and before you know it you are no longer one but two broken pieces.

Try to separate two things that have been combined. You may come out with two separate things again but I bet they will never be the same. One will have holes in it and the other will have sharp nails. One may look strong but the separation took its toll on its true strength.

Before you open your mouth just take a split second and see my cute little niece looking up innocently at her nurse and asking, “Are you gonna hurt me?”