President Dad?

I have decided to run for President…of Blount County. I know it isn’t a position yet but I want to be ready when it is created. If you fail to plan then you plan to fail people. I have always thought I should be in politics because I usually bring out the best and worst in people. Very few people are on the fence about me that really know me. They either hate my guts or are in my corner completely! I've obviously got what it takes!

Fundraising is key. Apparently you can decide on who is prez without even watching the voting. Just pay attention to who raises the most money in national politics and somehow they get elected. Now is this the same government that says McDonalds is not good for our kids and must be regulated because they are taking advantage of people by advertising? Hmmmmmm. Double standard maybe?

Sorry, I got sidetracked. Fundraising. Obama can bring in $30,000.00 per plate by having a dinner at Vince Carter’s home in Florida. I should be able to get $10 a person at say, McDonalds and have them eat off the dollar menu. I have spent enough money there that I should be able to catch a break on the price. And there are a total of 5 McDonalds in Blount County so that’s a good start.

I need a campaign manager. Someone who is ruthless but tactful. Incredibly loyal. Cute but not weak. Ready to come to my defense in a minute but not want to hog the spotlight while things are going well. It really needs to be a female to get the woman vote. And a minority would help with that vote also. She couldn’t be too old because I’ve secured that position myself. A real up and comer would be great like a 20 something.

Got it; Jade. My soon to be 4 year old Great Dane (that’s almost 28 in people years). She fits the bill. She’s female. Black. Young. She will have to be watched at the fundraisers but I think she will bring in votes. Even the pet lovers will vote for me. She’s not much for giving speeches but she draws mostly good attention. She is fiercely loyal, cute, and not an attention hog (most of the time). This is going well.

Issues. I need to pretend to stand for something even if I never intend to do anything about it. I mean, Hillary Clinton is overseas telling other governments that what is said on the campaign trail in the US isn’t the truth and not to listen to it. So I am going to change that line of thought in government. Here are my iron clad issues that I refuse to sway on

• I am against raising taxes unless it is necessary to get us to a level of government service that is acceptable to all people of our great community. ABSOLUTELY no taxes unless we have to. If elected I would put a cap on spending immediately until we need more.
• I am against fast food unless I’m in a hurry.
• I am for people being vegetarians as long as I can still eat a cheeseburger and not have to listen to them complain.
• I am for carnivores. As long as I can eat my salad in peace then we should be fine. Power to the grass eaters!
• I am against Mondays. We will remove them from the calendar. For everybody. It will no longer exist. Which will also knock the equivalent of 4 years off a 30 year mortgage. See, this will work.
• I am for a longer work week. It just makes sense. We need to do more. Everybody loves Saturdays so we will place one between Monday and Tuesday.
• I am for nice people. Genuine nice people. They make our community better just by living here.
• I am fine with mean people. They generally get the job done even if it’s done with a little bullying.

So those are the issues. There will be more issues added as needed but all you need to know is that I am on your side whichever side that’s on. Remember I want to be your candidate and will change anything I believe in to get your vote. I’m as stiff as a wet noodle on my convictions. I won’t move on what I feel strongly about anymore than a dry leaf in a blizzard. Keep in mind that I am for it and I am against it. And you decide what “it” is.

Closing speech...

And when elected (cue the patriotic music) I will not remember anything that I said on the campaign trail. I will however, be able to give a moving speech that has absolutely no substance. I will make public appearances anywhere that will make people sigh and say, “Wow, he is awesome!” As (building the music and volume of my microphone) President of this great community I will do whatever the heck I want because that is what good politicians do. I will ignore the people that grew up in this community with the same resolve that I ignore transplants from the north, south, east, and west. And (as everything reaches a crescendo moment) I will leave this community in far worse shape than I found it but I will move on to bigger and better things and lie through my teeth about what you think of me and what I think of you. God bless you and God bless the new President of Blount County.

(The scene ends with 10’s of 20’s of people under the golden arches shouting and cheering and asking quietly “Hey, where’s the food?”)

Ahhhhhhh! The American Dream comes home. I can’t wait!!!!

Pastor Dad (President-elect)